I hate my life.
I hate the fact that I am shy. That no one will approach me or talk to me. I have no guy friends and everyone judges me.
There are nice people. I hang out with all of them, because they are nice. The problem is, they are too conservative.
I have a huge problem starting a conversation. Here’s the problem. I try to, but they ignore me. I am judgmental, but the reason I am especially now is because of people who do not initiate conversation or give me the “what the fuck” look when I try talking to them.
I will wave at people in the hallways. The problem is I never feel like I am a part of their group. They say they are my friends, but why don’t they invite me to their parties or a get together? I do not understand this.
I have a jealousy issue, and right now I feel ugly as I am breaking out badly. I wish people could see that I am trying to be friendly and kind, but no one sees that.
This sounds bad, but I do not want to end up as Ms. Gorski. Single, and the nicest teacher/person ever. I want to be nice. I try my best. No one ever recognizes that.
People say I am not a plain Jane, but I truly am one. I hide behind shadows. I hate how people say “Be confident!” when it is so hard with people ignoring you, laughing at you. I should know. I’ve been through this many times.
My parents took me to a speech therapist, but never told me how to converse with someone, how to answer a phone call and how I should not be afraid of people and rejection. Of course, they did not teach me any such things, so I learned the hard way.
In elementary school, I was ostracized from my school because of Ashley fucking Joseph. I tried befriending people. I was pretty racist in the sense that I would try making friends with the new white girl from my classes. For me though, it was all play and people would not really want to be my friend because as Veronica said when I once asked “You don’t really talk.” It killed me inside and still does today.
I wish I looked more approachable. I find it very hard to start a conversation with someone. Or suddenly join a group. I only join the “nice” group. Meaning the group that I can just join out of the blue and they won’t give me weird looks.
People scare me. I’m not going to lie. From what I’ve experienced, people are very rude creatures or they are nice but just too good for my taste.
Explore was a little different, but people still scared the living daylights out of me. My judgment was right of course, especially that one time on the elevator. The poor stranger was trying to explain to the group of girls why some buttons were more faded than the others, and the girls talked about him so rudely when he got off. “Ugh, why the hell was he speaking to us? We were not talking to him.”
At Explore, meeting people was extremely, extremely lucky. I will tell you how it went down.
I came late on the first day. No one took a train so my dad accompanied me. I met no one there. My train was delayed (the connecting train) so I arrived at around 11:30 PM. There was one black girl and one white girl who arrived around the same time as me. My parent’s friends, Noha and her daughter Laila (who live in Quebec City) picked my dad and I up from the train station to drop me off at Laval university and my dorm room.
No one spoke (except my family friends and I) as everyone piled on to the elevator. I was on the highest floor, which was the fifth floor. Laila is a very outgoing and outspoken girl, (and pretty witty and funny) so she cracked up some jokes and questions to the animateurs. I said nothing, not even to the other two girls.
The next day (second day at Explore), everyone went down for breakfast etc. I walked with a group of people (actually, I was following them as I was completely lost). No one approached me or started conversation. A saw an Asian girl walking beside me, but her goal was to chat up with a few guys.
Going to the cafeteria was a complete and total nightmare. Picture that scene in Mean Girls when Lindsay Lohan tries to sit with some people at a table. Torture right? Everyone was so intimidating, and as usual, I picked out the “weak” looking table. Why? Because no matter what, they will be nice to you and let you sit with them. At one point, I felt like sitting alone though, I’m not going to lie. I don’t even remember who I sat with, but using that method, I met a girl from Vancouver named Wanning. She was very friendly and helpful and even let me burrow her computer when I needed it.
When I was done breakfast, I saw the black girl make her way to the cafeteria and asked me whether I wanted to join her and the people she met. Unfortunately, I had eaten so I declined. But to this day, I always wondered what would happen if I had said yes.
I don’t remember what else I did while wandering aimlessly depressed besides thinking that this isn’t for me. I already know two people who could not handle university because of this “social issue” they were having. One had Aspergers, the other did not.
Across the girl’s residence is another building which consisted of a cafeteria, a DesJardins (a Quebec bank that apparently robs you of your money) a book store and a convenience store. I met an extremely pale, quirky, quiet-looking girl. Funny, I think “normal” or at the very least outgoing people would never find her approachable but I do. I don’t know but I tried conversing with her and it did work, kind of.
Next was going to my French class for the first time. The first time unfortunately, the teacher never showed up so all of us were dispersed. Me, along with this girl Breanna from Winnipeg and Sabina from Toronto were stuck in a class full of stupid people. But that was alright, they both seemed friendly, but from what I could tell, they already had a group of friends from their schools back home who also did this program and just hung out with them. The one girl, Breanna, really sparked my interest as she loved fashion, her taste is music was very similar to mine, and she was also in IB. I tried my best talking to her, and it seemed to work out, until lunchtime rolled around indicating the end of class. She just rushed out of there.
That day I stayed in my room and actually broke down. I thought I would be alone because I was a loser who is shy and worst of all very introverted. I texted my sister this, saying that it seemed that everyone had already formed cliques by the second day and she said it would be fine.
I don’t know what happened, but one day during the evening of the second day, I was walking back to my room when I saw a tiny Asian girl waiting outside the door next to mine. She was caught by surprised when she saw me and thought I was an animateur (as she was speaking English—you are not allowed to speak English during Explore). That’s where I met Chenlei and my neighbor Hui Zhou. I also discovered that Breanna was my other neighbor.
We had to go downstairs for some field trip, so when I went downstairs, Chenlei recognized me and suddenly I was hanging out with a group of people. That’s how I met: Micaela, Emily, Hana, Monica, and Nicole. Nicole later dispersed from the group. Chenlei somewhat dispersed to meet to new people. Hana and Monica pretty much dispersed too, leaving me, Micaela, Emily and Hui.
From thereon, we all got an OPUS card so that we could chill at Quebec city any day. Apparently, there was a rule where four people minimum had to “go out” so one time these two girls, Irena and Stephanie asked Micaela, Emily and I if they could tag along with us during the bus ride to downtown Quebec. We said sure and left together. From there, we started talking and became friends.
Being an introvert, I observe many things. I don’t want to be or seem creepy, but it’s hard for a girl like me to comment and spark up a conversation about something that the person was wearing, talking about etc. without seeming creepy. There was one girl on my floor who I “observed” you can say. I loved her outfits. She had a pixie cut, seemed off-putting but very interesting. And I had a feeling that she was a very nice person. One time, we were doing some sort of treasure hunt of sorts. I usually carried my tote bag from Forever 21 around with me and then Emma suddenly tapped me on my shoulder and said that she liked my bag. I was very flattered, but the problem was I didn’t know how to keep the conversation going.
One day though, I was hanging out around Downtown Quebec. Some of my friends ate out at a restaurant while Hui and I decided to chill out etc. I met Emma there and somehow we were talking and I met her friends Nathalie and Ayla. I forget exactly how we met but I know was I got to hang out with her and she was very patient (sounds like the weirdest explanation ever—I apologize). There were all very friendly and nice (and had amazing style!) but lived in Central Canada.
I met a few others along the way. Some from my fashion elective course and some from bus rides. They were all so unique and open, it made me hate my high school much more. I met other people through the people I met, but in the end, it all started with Chenlei.
What happened to Wanning and that pale girl I mentioned earlier? I still saw them, and heard from (and of) them. And we kept contact somehow throughout my five weeks there.
As for my French class, it was amazing. Kind of like breakfast club as everyone was different. The main people I talked to was Erin, James, Hui and Breanna. I met a girl Kennisha who was from Brampton, and others like Darren Taylor Brendan etc.
Of course, there were guys in my class who I had such a hard time to try and befriend them. Which brings me to my history of me and guys.
No I do not mean my “love life” I literally mean me versus boys/men.
At elementary school, they all hated me. The only ones who somewhat talked to me was Nicholas, Michael (who moved) and a guy named Jonathan. The rest barely talked to me or disliked me in some form or fashion. Maybe because I was too young to “befriend” guys but whatever. Elementary school is elementary school.
Next came grades five and six. Yeah, yeah it’s still elementary school but because I was “ostrasized” from the people at my school I moved out in grade four and went to another school during grades five and six and started Extended French. There were barely any guys in my class (only 5-6) but they were nice and as a class in its entirety I got along with them. I kind of got to know them more when I was placed inbetween this guy Nathan and Noel. I started having a minor crush on Nathan, I’m not going to lie, but hey at this point I just wanted to be friends with everyone. Though I still remember Noel and Jaci calling me “Marishka’s Mushrooms and Marshmallows) ha ha guys. Ha ha.
Those were the best years. And that all changed and went spiraling downwards. I was forced to move to Mississauga and even worse, go to school in Brampton. The guys in my class seemed nice, but then the only reason they apparently talked to me was because of my “rack” and “ass”. I didn’t even dress up as a fucking slut! I tried my best to hide those things. I even considered taping my chest so that my breasts appeared smaller. It was even worse when the ugliest guy in school had a crush on me. And when I was bending down to pick something up and Daniel literally smacked my ass in front of everyone in French class. Fucking douche bags.
Somehow, somehow, I made friends with Cole, Justin and Joseph. Joseph actually considered as a friend and even put me in his shout-outs in the class yearbook (it’s stupid to some people, but it’s things like that I take great appreciation of).
Grade eight, I don’t know if they were my friends or not, except Simon, but even I was not too sure of that. Otherwise, the guys who actually conversed with me was Simon, Jagpreet and Josh. I don’t know why, but yes I had a crush on the second guy I mentioned. Mainly because he wasn’t the typical brown guy and liked MCR and shopped at Randy River like I did back in the day.
Of course, on day I actually confess to jagpreet about liking him on msn. It wasn’t even him on msn. It was his friends. Soon, everybody knew about my crush on him and no one would live it down. Grade eight was hell for me because of that. He liked another brown chick. Simon and Josh were hilarious and like I said, talked to me. All the girls sucked ASS and as usual picked a quiet gal named Anum. I sort of talked to the other girls in my class, the only other good gal friend was Taryn. The year was also the last year I had a birthday party. That was my fourteenth birthday. I am turning eighteen in May.
I also met this guy, Navi (lol) on a bus trip back from a ski trip. He took me by surprised as he was trying to initiate a conversation with me (I was flattered more like). We became friends, and just friends.
I have an older sister. She has a lot of guy friends and when it came to dances, she could just get (or ask) a guy to slow dance with her as friends. For me, that never worked, and still never works. I tried that with Navi in grade eight, but without telling me he rejected me to dance with Anum. I left the dance that day. It was my “Grad Dance”. I have never slow danced. Ever. Let alone dance with a guy.
Since then, I attempted to make “guy friends” in high school and whatnot. There was one brown guy who actually called me his friend back in grade ten which made me smile. Of course, that was grade ten. I am grade twelve and had nada guy friends. There are four that say hi to me in the hallways. One is just a genuinely nice guy, but unfortunately not a friend, though I tried to be in grade ten. Two I can talk to when I see them but it’s because they’re like the people I talked about earlier. Nice, but too goodie two-shoes. But hey I’d forfeit the second part if they actually say hi and bother to talk to me. The last one is plain old nice and says hi. He’s good to sit with and stuff, but I know I am not considered as his friend.
So in the end, they’re not actually guy friends, just friendly guys. Every other guy judges me/does not bother acknowledging me. What’s the point of even trying to talk to them if they react like that?
The close friends I have who are the same gender as me I can only count on one hand. I tried joining a clique last year. No, I tried joining some sort of clique every year, but it never works out. Either I hang out with them but they don’t actually invite me to parties etc. or they don’t bother with me and treat me like shit. Especially after Explore, I have given up on everyone. Except for like three people.
They say it’s my last year and I should live it up, but how can I when everyone’s full of crap or/and extremely rude? Talk about a shitty low-life high school life I had. Have.
The problem with me is this (in terms of what I want—what I am I hear from my mother 24/7) the people who do share common interests, who are adventurous, drink, party, open sexually, etc. are extremely judgemental, rude and purposely make themselves exclusive and inapproachable. Considering myself, I present myself to people who are open, hell to anyone who is in the least bit open or talk to me. These people are so conservative though, have different values than me etc. Even at Explore, I only knew 2-3 people who were approachable (esp. 1 girl) and extremely nice but adventurous, open about everything, drank, smoke, etc. without being exclusive whatsoever. Where are people—let alone girls—like her? Why is she so far away?
In the end of this rant, nothing seems to be solved. For all I know I wrote jibberish that does not make sense whatsoever, but that’s okay. I write to let go of whatever’s bottled up inside me. I could write more, but I won’t except for one thing. I hope destiny is kind to me, especially when it comes to my love life. My first “boyfriend” is pretty much gay but at least he liked me? Or we liked each other. Other than that, my second boyfriend who I shared my first kiss with recently broke up with me. Yes, he is a jack-ass, an asshole, and many other bad things. I am over and done with him. But I can’t stop thinking that I can’t actually meet guys and that I resorted to being set up with him. If we went to the same school he would never have talked to me, let alone acknowledged me. He wasn’t a real relationship, I’m not gonna lie. I was used. It went too fast, too soon. What I hate the most is how stubborn he was, how selfish he could be and how we not admit to me that he just didn’t like me anymore. Fucking bastard.
I do not know why I am posting this, but what the hell, I don’t give a flying fuck. If anyone who goes to my school reads this, well, here you go. A day in the life of a quiet obscure gal.
Girls are bitches and hoes. Boys are douchebags.
And people scare me, unless you talk to me/approach me. I greatly appreciate that :) Unless you’re confronting me/accusing me of bullshit. Then fuck you.
